The Texicon

A glossary of terms used by Texans

rat nass, reasonably pleasant, as in “That sermon this morning was rat nass.”

Saddle up, to prepare to depart, as in, “Better saddle up—it’s 280 miles to Houston.” Used whether horses are involved or not.

Locked and loaded, ready to commence, as in “Time to leave for Houston. You ready?” “I’m locked and loaded.”

Serious as cancer/a heart attack, entirely earnest, as in “She really gettin’ a divorce?” “She’s serious as cancer.” See also swear and be damned.

Hotter than a two-dollar pistol, used for temperature or popularity. Around the year 1900 Sears and other retailers actually sold pistols for two dollars, but they were of inferior quality and overheated when fired repeatedly. “It’s hot today.” “Hotter ‘n a two-dollar pistol.”

Lack to died, expressing great surprise or embarrassment, as in “I’m gonna tell you whut—when she walked in that door I lack to DIED.”

Roped and branded, a matter that has been completed or settled, as in, “You finish that seismography report?” “It’s roped and branded.”

Forty miles of bad road, highly unattractive, as in “How did that blind date work out?” “Tell you whut, she was forty miles of bad road.” Also. twenty or thirty miles.

Full as a huntin’ dog, completely satiated. Used after a large meal. “I’m full as a huntin’ dog.” Variation: full as a huntin’ dog and twicet as miserable. Also full as a tick.

Cain’t hardly, intentional double negative meaning inability to, as in, “I cain’t hardly believe they’re movin’ to New Jersey.”

If that was a snake, unanticipated or overlooked, from if that was a snake it woulda bit me, “Where’s my sunglasses?” “On your head.” “Oh hell, if that was a snake it woulda bit me.”

Tighter ’n a bull’s ass in fly time, completely secured or overly secure, as in, “That bolt Ian’t goin’ nowhere. it’s tighter ’n a bull’s ass in fly time.” Sometimes tighter than Dick’s hat band.

Asbestos, maximum effort, as in “Aren’t you through yet?” “I’m doin’ asbestos I can, dammit.”

Near bout, an approximation, as in “Tell you whut—that boy is near bout worthless on an oil rig.”

Plumb wore out, exhausted, as in, “You goin’ to that dance tonight?” “I cain’t. I‘m plumb wore out.” Occasionally wore plumb out. See also tarred. “I’m so tarred, I’m wore plumb out.”

Black as the inside of a cow, extremely dark.

Awl Bidness, industry involved with removing hydrocarbons from the Earth, refining and distributing them. “What do you do?” “I’m in the awl bidness.”

Bob war, metal fencing material, as in “Damn cattle got spooked in last night’s storm and now I gotta buy six rolls of bob war.”

Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel, negative comment on one’s intelligence.

Bite my ass til it barks like a fox, generalized insult or refusal to comply.

Hello, John, I brought your saddle back, extremely negative result, based on a fictional borrowing of another man’s horse and returning only with the saddle, as in “He borrowed half a million to drill that wildcat on his property and when he got to ten thousand feet it was Hello, John, I brought your saddle back.”

Bites/stings/sticks, comment on the Texas environment, usually after a negative encounter. “Damn it, that wasp got me!” “Well, everything in Texas either bites ya, stings ya or sticks ya.” Occasionally expanded by adding “stinks or stains.”

Somewhat cruder:

“Shot at and missed, sh** at and hit,” self-explanatory comment of bad luck following good.

Note: The s-word is commonly used in Texas because use of God or Jesus in curses can easily offend religious Texans.